apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
