You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
