dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
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Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
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I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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