I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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