Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
