It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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