don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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