He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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