I just threw up on my dentist
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
