Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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