It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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