the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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