last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
