at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
