I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
