some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
