just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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