can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
