John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
