So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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