just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
