ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
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I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.