had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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