hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
