how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
