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I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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