Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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