Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
