1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
