i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
