what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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