I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
