I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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