I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
