some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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