Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
this beer tastes like vomit already
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
