I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
