So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
