Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
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dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
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she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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