I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
