im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
