Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
