hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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