I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
