Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
