You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
