smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
