So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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