yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
