there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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