and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
