It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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