you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
