life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
